Small Victories

Tonight I got home, just as it was getting dark. I quickly changed and put my running shoes on, grabbed our 4 legged friend and the hubs, and we started walking.  Not in our usual spot. Not around the lake a few blocks from our house. Just down the road. We didn't have time to "go anywhere," to our preferred trails.

But I was DETERMINED to walk tonight. No matter what. We walked probably a quarter of a mile before turning around, due to the impending darkness that was fastly approaching.

Then, something hit me. An urge that I hadn't felt in a long time. I was extremely surprised to feel it. I felt the urge to RUN. And I did just that.

It wasn't far. It wasn't fast. But I ran. And it felt GOOD I tell ya! Darn good! I wanted to quickly give up. But I didn't.  I set my eyes on the stop sign up ahead. I didn't stop until I got past it. It was hard. I was out of breath and the cold, night air hitting my lungs hurt. As I waited for my hubby to catch up, I said to myself,  "You DID IT!" Small victory! 

After my lil run, I had to whip something up for dinner. What I WANTED was some pizza. Something salty.  And I would have traded my arm for a bowl of that Cookies n Cream ice cream I had sitting in the freezer!!   But, instead I went to an old favorite,  my Fiesta Chicken Salad creation.  It was derricious. Fast, easy, and yummy - my kinda recipe! And I did have 2 mini Reeses peanut butter cups. Hey, it was still better in the calories dept over that ice cream. Small victories. Small victories ;)

Falling off the Wagon

Well...where do I start?  I fell off the wagon. For a LOOOOONG time. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.  As usual,  the thoughts of weight loss and how awesome my life would be once I lost weight, never left. Thankfully I didn't gain all the weight back. I've actually lost another 10 lbs.  My work schedule has changed,  I've been diagnosed with PCOS, and I'm another year closer to 30 and another year away from being able to try and start a family. 

SO, here I am. Almost a year later where I left off. Starting over again. I'm not going to dwell (like my normal self would do) on how far I would be right now or how great I'd look and feel had I stuck with my goals and plans. Instead,  I'm focusing on the positive:

       ★I CAN lose weight.
       ★ I kept the weight off, plus some. 
       ★ I know what has worked for me.
       ★ I CAN DO IT AGAIN.

Here's to starting over. For the last time.

Follow Your Heart Anyway

I was SO TIRED this morning. The kinda tired where you could just sleep all day and not even eat kinda tired. My alarm went off, what seemed like HOURS before it was supposed to. But, as usual, that thing was right on time. I managed to get my butt outta bed, change into my workout clothes, and then I plopped my happy butt right in the recliner!  I just didn’t have ANY energy.


Then came the argument with myself.  My body is saying I’m way too tired, you can go tomorrow. Plus, you have blisters from the shoes you wore at work last night and those babies need to heal. My mind is saying yeah, go back to bed!  But my heart is saying, get your stupid butt up and go running! You are going to regret it if you don’t run. I knew the latter was the real truth. I kept asking God to help me find the motivation to go running, to not fall of the bandwagon and to push forward. I managed to get up, grab my juice, and I made it to the trail.  Thank you Jesus!


And you know what? As soon as my feet hit that trail, all that crap went right out of my head. I was SO GLAD I listened to my heart and God gave me the motivation I so desperately needed!

 
I started off by walking ¼ part of it, then I turned around and FGR the whole way back. I turned around, and did it again.  Now, to some people, ¼ of a mile is not a long ways to run at one time. And the trail that I run on, doesn’t make it seem long at all. But I just picture running ¼ mile around my highschool football field. And THAT is an accomplishment – for me.  Others, maybe not. But its my blog and its all about me! Lol.


I really wish I had one of those fitbit bands, a garmin tracker, or something that I could track my stats with –time, distance, heartrate, etc.

 
After my run today, I felt so freaking accomplished!  I defeated the voice in my head telling me not to go, but I ran anyway.  I overcame blisters on my feet and ran anyway.  I had to wear shoes that eased the blister pain - but gave me arch pain while running.  I didn’t stop, I just kept going anyway. And when I didn’t think I could make it ¼ mile running at one time without stopping, I did it anyway. 

If you don't know what these are, here's the links.
https://www.fitbit.com/order?productId=133

http://www.amazon.com/Garmin-Forerunner-GPS-Enabled-Sport-Monitor/dp/B003J2V8AC/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1368164828&sr=8-4&keywords=garmin+forerunner+110

Can I Get a Whoop Whoop!?!

Mother Nature has really been dragging my butt down this week.  I haven't ran much this week.  I ran yesterday, and that's it so far.  I swear, I don't think it’s ever going to stop raining here!  I’d like to try running in the rain. But, with the proper rain jacket. And I’ve looked. Can’t find anything that suits me or fits me for that matter. Oh well. One day. One day that will not be a problem!  :)

I wasn't gonna weigh myself this morning. I knew it was too soon. And after eating that big ole steak last night for dinner, I just knew I had not lost a single pound. In fact, I was pretty terrified I had gained weight. But that little voice inside of me said, go weigh yourself, DO IT.   I did. And guess what?! TWENTY POUNDS DOWN! 

Oh my goodness! The last time I had lost 20 lbs was years ago! For real, years ya'll, YEEAAARS!

I am beyond excited! I immediately called the hubs and very nonchalantly said, "Guess what? You're gonna have to buy me a new pair of shoes this weekend."  What, why?  (It took him a minute to remember our conversation about my 20 lb reward). OH! Did you lose the weight?! 

 YES. I. DID.
 
Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!  I can’t tell you how much or often I pray: Lord, please just help me get up, help me find that motivation to go run….  Please help me lose this weight and become healthy…… Please help me make it to that next fence post…..  Please keep me safe on my run.  I pray, and I pray, and I pray.

I did not accomplish this goal alone, and I won’t take credit for it alone.  My hubby has been a great supporter.  My family and friends commenting on my posts and giving me words of encouragement has meant more to me than they’ll ever know.   My friend Robin, who has been my biggest supporter, encourager and pushing me when I needed some pushing! And Jesus has answered my needy little prayers! I am so lucky to have a great, encouraging support system!  

Progress @ 4 weeks....

 

 

I can't tell you how long it took me to decide to put these up here. Its weird, like you know you look like crap, and people see you every day.  But when it comes to taking a picture and capturing that forever....and then putting it out for all the world to see at any time.....saying it makes me cringe is the understatement of the year!  But here it goes.

 

Now, I'm not sayin I ain't pleased with my progress. Because a pound lost is still a pound lost!  And I am so very thankful for every one of those bad boys that are gone, all 19 of them! I have also gained some muscle so pretty stoked about that too :)  The hubs says he can tell my butt is is smaller, which is a catch 22 because he is a butt man. I have strict instructions to make sure I keep a nice butt...LOL.

 

Anywho, I am AMAZED at how different my back looks. Who knew you could get rid of that simply by eating healthy and walking/FGR?!  (that's short for fat girl running) 

 

 

Journal Entry

From My Journal A Couple Weeks Ago:

And then I quit. One trip to whole foods for veggies and fruit and in a quick, irrational decision we bought pizza and cookies too.  It's still not totally bad for you. It had all natural ingredients and wasn't processed or anything like that. But it was exactly what I didn't need.  Needless to say my tastebuds did the happy dance and they were off the healthy bandwagon.  Yep, all that success, my clothes were looser, I felt better, my skin had cleared up and I was feeling great about myself. And all it took was a cookie (I hadn’t had chocolate for over 3 weeks) a slice of pizza, and some yummy salty chips and a burrito from Qdoba and I was off the bandwagon.  I didn’t exercise that weekend. I ran one day and that was all.  That week I ate at Chick-Fil-A, Subway and all I could think about was pizza and cookies.  I feel like I’m starving, I’m tired all the time, and my anxiety is back. And in the blink of an eye, I felt like a failure.

So what I’ve learned is 1) that rule where everyone says treat yourself every once in awhile is not true for me. When I lost 50 lbs in 2009, that’s exactly what I did. And it was down hill from there.  2) Juicing is what gave me the ENERGY to run. The only thing I had to fight past was my brain saying you’re too fat to run or people who run everyday are crazy marathon runners. You are neither.  3) My anxiety is 100% controllable simply by what I put in this big trap. And 4) just by cheating even a LITTLE, I’ve gained back 3 lbs.  Not to mention this week of training for my position has been the week from hell.  Hence, the no running, craving junk food, and anything and everything that resembles pizza, chocolate, or chips.

Now I have to detox my system of processed foods again, train my body to like the taste of juice again – 2 days of NO JUICE whatsoever. I made it and took it to work, but was craving everything else on the planet and didn’t drink it (SAD DAY.) So now I have to try and make my body remember that it can run, it has ran and it will run again.  Every day it got easier and easier to go further. Quite frankly, I’m scared to even try it again. I don’t want to have to wake up early and go run, I don’t want to see how far back I have fell by not running for 3 days (feels like a month of not running) and I’m scared to step back on the scale and have my failure and cheating setback stare me right back in the face.  

Today, I will run.  Today I will juice. Today, I will feel better. Today, I will work out.  And tomorrow I will be sore instead of sorry. “You’ll never regret a workout, only a workout that is missed.”

A Little Background

  Anyone who knows me or ever met for that matter knows I’m “that girl.”  You know the one where everyone loves you but still has that look of, she needs to lose weight, or she’d be so much prettier if she lost a few lbs.  I actually have had people tell me I could be a model if I lost weight.  Nothing like getting a compliment and an insult at the same time eh?  Sad part is, even when I am “losing weight” or have lost weight, I’m STILL that girl.  Still the girl who needs to lose weight. Always have been. Told I always will be.

 

You know, “you’re just big boned, " is what I was always told. So when you’re 5, and you’re already twice the size of your girlfriends in kindergarten, you believe it.  Why am I different? Why can’t I look like them?  I was comforted. I was fed more food, and was given hope that as I got older, the weight would just fall off. What a freakin joke.  Welcome to an entire life of being overweight.

Fast forward 20 years later, and you still have an overweight girl – struggling to find her way to a healthy weight.

Now, I have been on a diet probably 85% of my teen/adult life.  This girl has always been trying to lose weight, but never been able to lose enough - or keep it off.  That age old saying, DIET – lose weight and then gain it back PLUS more, stands tried and true here!  Unfortunately. 

I would say probably from about freshman year of highschool to my freshman year in college I was a steady size 20.  Freshman and sophomore year of college I did the typical thing, gained weight. But I wasn’t the normal size 20 girl. I was still active, played intramural volleyball, walked, worked out, lifted weights with friends; I was pretty active, at least for a 250 lb teen.

My Biggest weight loss to date:

In September of 2009, I went to a new doctor – who turned out to be pretty freakin hokey. Long story short, she told me I was hypoglycemic (something I had been told when I was around 5 but then somehow grew out of around 7).  So I was put on this super strict diet, like I couldn’t even eat carrots or strawberries.  A whole list of stuff I didn’t even know half of what it was. I had to google half that list! I was told to go by this diet, take these pills, and exercise. She said there was no way I would be able to stick to the diet w/out these pills because they would help control my appetite. I was young, I didn’t know, and I didn’t care. Lose weight, and feel better. Whatever it takes doc, sign me up!  Holy crapola was that a miracle drug! I lost FIFTY whopping pounds by December.  I had went from a size 22 to a size 16/18.  Skinniest I had ever been. EVER.  I looked GOOD. My face was thin, my stomach was flat (for a fat girl, it was flat, no rolls, just chub). LOL. Again, best IIIII had ever looked. And everyone told me how GREAT I looked.  What an AWESOME feeling that was!! Then I met my husband, at my prime. Thank you Jesus.

Jump to the present day, no more pretty chubby girl. I am downright, flabby, ugly, rolly polly, depressed, and anxious. And, a weight gain of 100 lbs from when I met my wonderful husband 3 ½ years ago. He deserves a nobel prize just for staying with my fat butt. For real. I don’t even like lookin at this fat mess, let alone him!

So one day we watch the documentary, Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead (thanks to my awesome friend for recommending it, it was a good watch).  Wowzers. AMAZING. My hubby is ALL OVER IT. Like, we ordered a juicer and said that is gonna be us in 2 months. I wasn’t too sure. But, we got our juicer, I emptied out the cabinets and gave away all our processed, pre-packaged food. I knew there was no way in haites I could commit to juicing with junk still in our house. Plus, I truly wanted to be healthy, and that food was not healthy.  

 

Being healthy is HARD. The hubs lasted a whole 2 days juicing. I did it well for the first week, still ate a salad for dinner and lost 8 lbs.  The second week, I had so much energy I started fat girl running. Meaning, I was really jogging, but to my overweight, mess of a body, it felt like I was RUNNING. It was hard!! I just knew my heart was literally going to explode because it was pounding and hurting so bad after running a few whopping feet. So, I call it running, because to me, that’s what it is. 

Next thing I know, I am craving running. Like, I’m driving to work and feeling a desire to go RUN. So for a week straight, I start running every morning.  Now, I just got promoted – who knew they still promoted fat chicks these days? Lol.  So with that, my work schedule changed and I didn’t go to work til the afternoon which gave me plenty of time to run in the mornings. So I did, and I went farther and farther, and farther each time.