Sunday, May 5, 2013

Journal Entry

From My Journal A Couple Weeks Ago:

And then I quit. One trip to whole foods for veggies and fruit and in a quick, irrational decision we bought pizza and cookies too.  It's still not totally bad for you. It had all natural ingredients and wasn't processed or anything like that. But it was exactly what I didn't need.  Needless to say my tastebuds did the happy dance and they were off the healthy bandwagon.  Yep, all that success, my clothes were looser, I felt better, my skin had cleared up and I was feeling great about myself. And all it took was a cookie (I hadn’t had chocolate for over 3 weeks) a slice of pizza, and some yummy salty chips and a burrito from Qdoba and I was off the bandwagon.  I didn’t exercise that weekend. I ran one day and that was all.  That week I ate at Chick-Fil-A, Subway and all I could think about was pizza and cookies.  I feel like I’m starving, I’m tired all the time, and my anxiety is back. And in the blink of an eye, I felt like a failure.


So what I’ve learned is 1) that rule where everyone says treat yourself every once in awhile is not true for me. When I lost 50 lbs in 2009, that’s exactly what I did. And it was down hill from there.  2) Juicing is what gave me the ENERGY to run. The only thing I had to fight past was my brain saying you’re too fat to run or people who run everyday are crazy marathon runners. You are neither.  3) My anxiety is 100% controllable simply by what I put in this big trap. And 4) just by cheating even a LITTLE, I’ve gained back 3 lbs.  Not to mention this week of training for my position has been the week from hell.  Hence, the no running, craving junk food, and anything and everything that resembles pizza, chocolate, or chips.


Now I have to detox my system of processed foods again, train my body to like the taste of juice again – 2 days of NO JUICE whatsoever. I made it and took it to work, but was craving everything else on the planet and didn’t drink it (SAD DAY.) So now I have to try and make my body remember that it can run, it has ran and it will run again.  Every day it got easier and easier to go further. Quite frankly, I’m scared to even try it again. I don’t want to have to wake up early and go run, I don’t want to see how far back I have fell by not running for 3 days (feels like a month of not running) and I’m scared to step back on the scale and have my failure and cheating setback stare me right back in the face.  

Today, I will run.  Today I will juice. Today, I will feel better. Today, I will work out.  And tomorrow I will be sore instead of sorry. “You’ll never regret a workout, only a workout that is missed.”

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